The Comparison Trap: What If You’re Exactly Where You Need to Be?

On comparison, community, and showing up anyway

I was at a wedding recently, chatting with someone I hadn’t seen in years. Mid-conversation, they smiled and asked, “Are you pregnant?” I’m not.

I’ve just put on a bit of weight since we last saw each other — because I quit smoking (something I’m genuinely proud of) and, yes, I’ve found a little comfort in chocolate and pizza along the way.

They didn’t mean any harm. But it reminded me how easily we project our own timelines onto other people. If they’re in the baby chapter, they assume you are too. If you’re not, well — the silence can feel louder than any milestone.

When Milestones Become Measuring Sticks

As we get older, friendships don’t always move in sync.
Someone’s getting married.
Someone’s just had a baby.
Someone’s launching a business, buying a flat, or training for a triathlon.

And someone else — maybe you — is just trying to feel okay again.

Comparison doesn’t always shout. Sometimes it whispers.
You’re behind.
You should be further along by now.
Why can’t you get it together?

It’s exhausting. Especially when you’re holding things no one else can see.

Life Happens in Peaks and Troughs — Often at the Same Time

The friend getting engaged might be quietly grieving.
The one with the new baby might be navigating loneliness and sleep deprivation.
The one posting sunset pics from Bali might be going through a brutal breakup.

We’re all living different chapters. The trap is assuming we’re meant to be on the same page.

What matters isn’t where you are on the timeline — it’s whether you have people who’ll sit beside you through the highs and the lows. Without rushing you. Without keeping score.

Why Connection (Not Milestones) Keeps You Well

In Blue Zones — the parts of the world where people live the longest — longevity isn’t just about what you eat or how often you move. It’s about connection.

Small, regular rituals. Interdependence. Being part of a group where people notice if you’re not there.
In Japan, this idea is captured in the word ikigai — your reason for being. Often, it’s not your job or your achievements. It’s your people. The ones who make life feel meaningful.

And that meaning? It doesn’t come from milestones.
It comes from being seen. Needed. Loved — exactly as you are.

So What Helps When You’re Feeling “Behind”?

1. Honour the milestones no one claps for
Quitting smoking. Going to therapy. Saying no. Choosing rest. Trying again.
Just because it’s quiet doesn’t mean it’s not progress.

2. Let your people in — even when you feel messy
Try: “Hey, I’ve been feeling off, but I miss you. Want to go for a walk?”
You don’t have to perform joy to stay connected. The right people won’t need the polished version.

3. Remember: timelines are not truth
You’re not late. You’re living.
And the fact that you’re still here — showing up in whatever way you can — says more than any milestone ever could.

4. Acknowledge the triggers — yours and theirs

I’ve felt triggered by other people’s milestones. And I know I’ve triggered others, too. Not because anyone meant to — but because life moves differently for everyone.

Sometimes I’ve needed to step back to protect my peace. Other times I’ve realised I was holding back joy out of guilt.

Both are real. Neither makes you a bad friend. What matters is the space to be honest — and kind — in both directions.

You don’t need to be on the same path as everyone else. You just need to keep moving in the direction that feels right for you. And you don’t need to reach a milestone to be worthy of love, rest, or celebration.

I’m 38. I’m not pregnant. But I am present and I’m happy, and that’s all that matters.

And I’m learning that real connection doesn’t care what chapter you’re in — it just wants you in the room.